It's been about four years now since I slowly turned away from living a sinful life. By turning away, I mean getting rid of those thoughts and actions that go against my Catholic Faith. Knowing and realizing how much I've sinned in the past gives me a little hope that I could completely atone for them all. But hope, while I live, is indefinite. It might sound like wishful thinking, and that I'm never going to make it, but it would make so much sense to peel off the rust than to let it decay.

The transformation isn't easy and I still struggle in this war against myself. There were times when I considered my actions to be moral but later realized I had just punished my soul once more. Some would say, "live life to the fullest," which I agree, unless they mean doing what others do that gives them fleeting happiness by disregarding righteousness, which I sometimes fall into. The only difference now is that I've learned to be aware, allowing me to learn and avoid it in the future.

Reminiscing about those moments that gave me happiness makes me feel sad. Not because I long for those moments, but because it was too late for me to realize that they were false happiness. They were the products of my sinful actions, neglecting the commandments of God, and letting them attach to my soul as evidence during the trial of my judgment. While I sincerely loved those people involved, and they, too, loved me at some point, I also became a perpetrator by leading them to commit sin. I could've avoided this if I hadn't been selfishly focused on my worldly desires.

This has also been one of my greatest regrets since before I plunged into living a sinful life, I was already passionate about reading and writing which gave me the ability to understand things beneath the surface. It turned out that I became too concerned about my desires for happiness, to the point that I was blinded by the pleasures this passing world offers.

It's been four years now since I slowly turned away from living a sinful life, and it wasn't easy. I know it won't be any easier today or in the days to come. There will be challenges in discerning what is right and what is wrong. There will be considerations about whether to commit to goodness or abandon the opportunity to do so. There will be instances where people will find me offensive because of their lack of evangelization, or I might offend God for not partaking in His call for holiness.

This is a war against myself.

Saint Augustine in His Study by Fra Angelico